I'm Kinda Surprised I'm Not Dead Yet.

Weell.

Life has been so horribly busy. So busy, in fact, that I accidentally missed a musical I'd paid for (omg omg I can't believe my own stupidity). Also, there are a few people in my course that annoy me to no end, but that's a story for another day (not to mention I think they might come across this blog and then my life would become even more wretched than it is already).

Anyway.

I went riding yesterday. Ok, good.

And we went on a hack in the woods. Even better, as nice scenery is guaranteed.

And they put me on this massive hulking SHIRE HORSE -- 190cm at the shoulder and built like a bloody monster truck (I'm what, 163 cm tall and rather short in the leg). I had problems getting on even from a mounting block-- had to raise my foot above my navel just to get it in the stirrup.

And of course there was a great view of overhanging branches from that height. I think I was performing acrobatic feats all the time to avoid being knocked off like some villian in the chase scene of some spectacularly bad movie.

Oh, the ride was fun. We nearly ran over some squirrels, and I was deathly afraid that Guinness was going to mow down the tiny pony in front of him like a tank crushing sandbags. Very difficult to hold him back, as when 2000 pounds of horseflesh decides he wants to go fast, who are you, a mere wisp of a human, to say no? My arms hurt like hell today, and there are almost-blisters on my fingers from hauling at the reins.

It's rather exciting to ride a big horse, though. Just... maybe not the largest breed in current existence.

Further Escapades in London

1)Schmetterling gathers incontrovertible evidence that birds really do like to sit in a row.


2) Schmetterling uncovers the secrets of ancient civillisations.

i) The ancient Assyrians liked to put the blame on somebody else.

"He did it!"


ii) Greek warfare consisted of people hitting each other over the head with sharp, heavy objects.

Ow.


iii) The ancient Greeks relied heavily on the largesse of the gods, who established an efficient ration-cards system.

Athena hands out CARE packages.


iv) For entertainment, the Greeks made dodgy pottery.


v) The ancient Eygptians, being an advanced civillisation, had their own daily crossword.

"I say! What's the hieroglyph for 'my nose is going to fall off because I forgot Tuesday's offering'?"

Best of Broadway

Yesterday evening, I attended a concert by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall (Paid £5 for fabulous seats, HA HA WRITHE IN ENVY, LOSERS! *cough*). It's a really nice concert hall,all red and gold and huge, though the stage is a bit small. Imperial students graduate there! :D

Anyway. They were playing Broadway show tunes, and invited a few singers from the West End to join in the fun. The repertoire included songs from The Lion King, Les Miserables(!), Sunset Boulevard, Evita(!!), Fiddler on the Roof (!!!) Chicago (!!!OMGSQUEE!!!) and many others that I don't quite remember. Sorry I sound so revoltingly girlishly-excited, but there's just something about Broadway tunes (big band jazz!) that just gets to you, you know? (Though if it's Ger reading, I know that you don't know, so never mind. :D)And when they ended with excerpts from Mama Mia, the audience just started clapping in time, and eventually everyone got to their feet and started jiggling around in glee. Oh, the atmosphere.

Conclusion/summary/etc. : I love Broadway.

Conclusion/summary/etc. cont. : I love cheap tickets.

The IgNobels, Or, Whatever Will They Come Up With Next?

Since Ger complained I wasn't blogging properly...

The Ig Nobel awards are a parody of the Nobel prizes, awarded each year in October for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think", as everybody knows already.

This year's prizes made me snort my tea through my nose. Excerpts are from Nature 449, 648 (2007)

Make Love, Not War (literally)

"...[R]esearchers at the US Air Force Research Laboratory at the Wright-Patterson Air Force base in Ohio proposed to develop chemical aphrodisiacs that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. The idea — dubbed the 'gay bomb' — earned the unnamed Ohio scientists the 2007 Ig Nobel Peace Prize[.].."

I have unwholesome mental images of the resulting... scuffle.

"The competition for the Peace Prize was intense even within Wright-Patterson laboratory itself. Researchers there also proposed chemicals designed to attract stinging and biting creatures, as well as low-toxicity compounds that would “create severe and lasting halitosis” for those exposed to tiny concentrations. "

Severe and lasting halitosis. Are you sure that doesn't give enemy troops an advantage?

A Little Hard To Swallow

'Brian Witcombe of Gloucestershire Royal NHS Foundation Trust, UK, shared the Medicine Prize with Dan Meyer of Sword Swallowers' Association International in Antioch, Tennessee, for their report, “Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects”.'

Right.

You've Always Wanted To Know This

"The Linguistics Prize, for example, went to researchers from the University of Barcelona in Spain for showing that rats cannot always distinguish between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards."

This is such a useful discovery, no?

Further Uses of the Little Blue Pill

'Investigators at the National University of Quilmes in Argentina won the Aviation Prize for determining that Viagra aids hamsters' recovery from jet lag. A member of that team, Diego Golombek, praised his graduate students for top-flight research and “for going to the drugstore to get the Viagra”.'

I somehow don't quite see little old ladies popping blue pills after a 14-hr flight.

London Photos

King's Cross Train Station.

(Harry Potter fans, stop squeeing)



The Long Water, Hyde Park


Swan


All in a Row



Yes, those are birds all sitting in a row. Neat, huh?

Online Art, Fiction and Non-Fiction Recommendations

1. A 300 Moral Lesson

Watched 300 and thought it was a meaningful, sensible movie? No? Like muscular men (with painted-on-pecs) in tiny underwear running around waving pointy objects? No? Good. You'll like this.


A 300 moral lesson by ~hanime87 on deviantART

2. koosh koosh, by chibiglibi

For girls who like very cute, overweight rodents.


koosh koosh by ~chibighibli on deviantART

3. VoldemortX Knitting OTP by madcarrot

I'm sure everyone thinks His Dark-Lordship needs a new hobby.

4. Anything by ursalav is great, but pay especial attention to her beautifully realistic fantasy creatures.

5. The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Harry Potter by rowen_r

"A Guide to Surviving the Worst in the Harry Potter Universe, With No Illustrations"

Takes potshots at the sometimes ridiculous and plothole-ridden Potter universe.

6. The Loom, an online science journal by author and scientist Carl Zimmer.

Carl Zimmer is an awesome science writer (Check out Parasite Rex, one of the most entertaining books ever), and his blog is just chock-full of quirky things, ranging from sciency tattoos to digs at horrifically long scientific terminologies, and the author's slight obsession with necropsies.

More recommendations coming up soon.

How It Feels To Sleep Right After Coffee (AKA: Schmetterling really hasn't anything to do)

Sleeping right after one has had coffee is an art. Preferably, one should have become habituated to the amount of caffeine present in the average cup of coffee. After ingestion, read a particularly aggravating book (Any one of the first four HP books comes to mind. Or, if one is a pervy HP fancier, read anything by Marcel Proust.)and once sufficiently bored, lie face down on a sofa or mattress (or the floor). Think upon the gaping plotholes (for HP-- and try not to eye-roll too much) or the impossibly convoluted language that rivals Alex's thought-paths (for Proust), and allow self to drift into sleep. One will find that the sleep is more of a pleasant daze, somewhere between true sleep and waking.

Snork.

Moving on to something less inane....

Schmetterling Newsfeed!

1) Will be in HK for four days
2) Will be somewhere in Taiwan a week after that. Will be praying for typhoon-less-ness.
3) Taking fanart commissions for the HP, Tolkien (i.e. LOTR, Silmarillion, etc) and Pern (Anne McCaffrey)universes (no sappy love scenes, please. Or porn.). Will not be wanting money, just trading for books, inks, paper and the like. Negotiable. Choose from watercolour, graphite, acrylic and oil on canvas. Preferably contact me by the first week of Sept so it can get to you before I leave the continent.

A Survivor's Guide to Leeches, Ticks, and Very Unfriendly Vegetation

Hello all. I know this is really really really outdated, but I thought I owe you guys an account of my (mis)adventures in the jungle. Please see my facebook account for photos!

Day 1

2100: Arrived at Denpasar, Bali. My hotel does not seem to have hot water.

Day 2

0500: Flight to Makassar at seven-thirty, so had to get up early. Took another absolutely freezing shower.

0900: En route to Makassar, Sulawesi. Am messily dribbling jelly syrup all over my diary.

1125: At Makassar airport. I apparently have 5 hours here, so have arranged for tour to see waterfall. I have a feeling I'm paying a bit too much for this...

1300: I have decided that the trip is completely worth my while. Now at Bantimurung waterfall, an absolutely beautiful place with insane numbers of butterflies just swarming around the turquoise pools in psychedelic clouds. It is apparently very popular with the locals. A little too crowded for my liking, but I managed to find some quiet further upstream. A pity I was wearing my boots at the time and so could not bathe my feet. Well I suppose I could have, but it seemed like too much effort to take my shoes off.




I seem to have become some sort of tourist attraction myself, as I have been asked to pose for a photo with a group of giggling schoolgirls. I think it's the big black rucksack. And the fact that I look so Chinese that I seem Japanese. Now that didn't make sense. Perhaps I am getting dehydrated.


1630: Flight to Kendari, which is the capital of Southeast Sulawesi.

1930: Why on earth did my travel agent book me a room with two single beds in it? Oh well, at least there seems to be hot water.

2000: Yes, there is scaldingly hot water. And freezing cold water. Nothing in between. Can't decide which I prefer.


Day 3

0530: Met up with K, who's also a volunteer with the same organisation. Got transported to another hotel, which contained the rest of this week's batch of volunteers. There is a very whiny group of sixth-formers, with a teacher who might as well be branded with the words "OVERENTHUSIASTIC BIRDWATCHER" on his forehead.

0730: On the ferry to Buton Island. Apparently this takes about 5 hours. It is getting rather choppy, and the schoolchildren are getting a bit seasick. I love being on boats. Think I will go out on deck.

0900: It very pleasant out on deck. Not too sunny. Unfortunately, too choppy to risk getting my camera out to photograph the excellent scenery.

10ish: Have returned 'indoors', and am now inexplicably sitting next to the bird enthusiast. He has a book on the birds of Sulawesi, apparently. Entertained myself briefly by explaining what was in his snack bun (red bean paste).

Still 10-ish: The bird enthusiast has redeemed himself by pointing out a huge school of flying fish, which apparently think the ferry is some kind of fearsome predator.

1300: Disembarked on the island of Buton and am now in the town of Bau Bau. Off we go to the organisation's headquarters.

1400ish: Am squeezed in a tiny van with several volunteers. The vehicle is going at a breakneck speed, uphill, on a very rocky road. I can barely read my own writing. K. is here too, and trying to dry her washing by holding it out the window. I wonder what the locals think of lacy knickers hanging out of a speeding van?


1730: Have arrived at Labundo-bundo village, a nice, quiet-looking place. We will apparently be staying at a villager's home (for now). K. and L. (both from the same van) and I seem to have been assigned the same house, which is lucky.



Day 4

0400: I am seriously considering throwing a boot at that damned rooster.

0600: Went out on some kind of bird walk. The bird enthusiast was understandably even more enthusiastic than usual. I wish I'd brought my binoculars (I do some birdwatching at home). We saw a great many species-- several kinds of birds of prey, two sunbirds, and even black macques (monkeys). I took some pictures of the sun coming up behind the trees.

1700:The rest of the day was quite relaxed, just getting to know the people who are going on the mandatory jungle training together ( five girls! And K. and L. are going, too. The school group apparently is doing something else). Dani the guide took us on a walk around the village introducing some of the plant life, and I got to eat a bit of a cocoa fruit (doesn't taste like chocolate at all-- that's from the seeds). The villagers grow coffee here as well, and I find that I quite enjoy the local blend. Has quite a kick to it. We will be setting off into the jungle tomorrow, and I have packing to do.

Day 5

0500: Still in the village... off to a nearby patch of forest to hunt for tarsiers, which are a tiny sort of primate with huge eyes. One hears them all the time, but they are quite hard to spot. We managed to find two, which bounced from tree-trunk to tree-trunk like some kind of aboreal rabbit. I must say they look rather like Furbys, only in more sensible colours.

1200: We wave goodbye to civillisation.

1400: I have no idea why I keep falling down. Perhaps it is because my boots aren't ankle-length like the others', and keep getting nearly sucked off by the mud. It is supposed to be the dry season, but it keeps raining, and the trail is a nightmare. Otherwise it is a fairly scenic route, and not too demanding.

1500: Set up camp in a spot that could pass for a mud-wrestling pit. My shoes are completely sodden from crossing the river several times, and my sandals keep getting stuck in the mud. No hope of dry feet here! We are sleeping in hammocks tonight (thank goodness), and mine is damp already, from the rain (despite the 'waterproof' raincover over it).

Day 6

0700: We are apparently staying in this camp for two nights, but our guide thinks it's a good idea to take us trekking all over the place anyway. Had the unique experience of climbing a very steep, slippery hill in soaking wet boots, and then climbing (or rather sliding) back down again. The forest is very beautiful, though.

0800: We were taught how to cut firewood using a parang (a multipurpose heavy knife) and how to start a fire using only a lighter. I'm simply relieved we even have a lighter, because it's taking rather long to get the fire started!

10ish: Interesting insect life-- all kinds of colourful beetles flying around. One just landed on my dirty, smelly sock.

1100: We were taught how to properly read a map and navigate in the jungle. Trekked upriver (very literally, up the river) to a splendid waterfall, taking bearings every so often in an attempt to draw a map of the route (got the scale a bit wrong). Had a lovely time swimming in it, even though it was freezing cold!

By the way, it rained nearly the whole day. Nearly.

Day 7

0600: We trekked (well, waded) upriver to a hot spring, and then another waterfall. The hot spring (or rather, hot waterfall) wasn't very much, just a small trickle really, but it was still wonderful to bathe our feet (which hadn't been dry since we set out) and kill whatever nasty things that might have taken up residence between our toes.

The second waterfall had a deeper pool and was thus much more suited for swimming (and developing hypothermia, probably). I think I am become very fond of running water. Apparently, we sighted an eagle of some sort, but all I saw was its ruddy (literally) rear end.

1200: We broke camp at about 1000 to trek to our second camp. It was raining all through last night, so the trail was hopelessly muddy. Add a horrifically steep incline, a 50L rucksack, and unfriendly, thorny vegetation all around, and you have a hiker's worst nightmare. There was absolutely no grip, and we were hauling ourselves up using rattan ropes half the time and crawling on all fours for the rest.

1400: We have finally arrived at the second camp, which is just as muddy as the first. We apparently have to build a shelter out of wood and rattan. And it is raining again.

1600: We have completed the shelter, thanks mostly to the efforts of the guides and porters, who are remarkably strong and work like lightning. The rain was running in my eyes all the time, and I couldn't really tell what I was doing. Probably tying the knots all wrong and ensuring the imminent collapse of the entire structure. I am completely soaked and shivering. What's more, I have just spotted a tick on my leg. Excuse me a moment while I get rid of it-- ouch!

1615: Got rid of it. Actually, I screamed for the doctor, who came to check that it wasn't anything dangerous, and removed it properly so no bits would be left to fester in my skin. Rather colourful, if nasty little thing. I think I saw one of the guides frying it to a crisp with his cigarette. Oh well.

1900: The shelter is quite cosy, if a bit cramped. One of the group members seems to attract leeches-- this is her what, fourth one today? L. got bitten by a tick, too. Infested, this place.

Day 8

0700: Wandered around the area being introduced to various plants by Dani, the Indonesian scientist who tagged along.

1000: We were introduced to the various methods of getting water out of lianas and rattan stems, as well as how to cook eggs in leaves or bake them in mud. Apparently bits of rattan stem are quite edible, too. Useful plant, that. Don't care much for the taste, though.

1230: We began the trek to the third camp at around 1000. It was excruciating. Remember yesterday's rain? Add that to three hills. Three steep hills. I can't decide which I like less, going uphill or downhill. While trying to descend a hill I lost my footing and fell, and my arm caught and dragged along a clump of absolutely vicious rattan. I am still picking thorns out of my forearm, and the sap has irritated the area into a rash. Plus, a leech with apparently vampiric tendencies latched onto my neck, and it took absolutely ages to get it off.

1500: The third camp is on a hill, and it is a precarious slide down to the river, where we are to do our washing (honestly, do not really see the point, as the moment one steps out of the river, one would be ankle deep in mud yet again). I am thankful that we are sleeping in hammocks again, though.

1900: I have decided that I like hammocks.

Day 9

0700: We are returning to the village today, so I am looking forward to a proper wash.

10ish: Oh, yay, more hills!

11ish: We have reached the main road and are now in a van on the way back to the village. On the way here we passed through some (really muddy) agricultural land, washed off at a waterfall, then waded through a river, before heading back onto the fields to get muddy again. Oh well. Very nearly walked into a chilli plant, but that is beside the point.

1300: We are back at Labundo-bundo! Have had lunch, and plan on spending afternoon getting clean and mucking out my comb, which has turned black.

1600: Have discovered it is a bad idea to give away paper boats, as have had to fold them for every single small child in the viilage as all of them started clamouring for one.

1700: Further discoveries: chickens are very silly creatures. The chickens belonging to the family I live with roost in a mango tree that is too high for them to fly up into, so they clamber onto a nearby wall and use it as a runway to launch themselves into the tree. It's ridiculous. Sometimes they don't quite make it, and fall off.

2000: I don't think I properly appreciated the night sky while in the jungle (thanks to the canopy). There is absolutely no light pollution here, and it is a cloudless night. The moon is nearing its full, and so bright you can see quite clearly by it, and stars occupy almost every vacant position in the sky. Breathtaking. The villagers probably think I'm nuts, staring at the sky like that.

Day 10

0400: Damn the roosters. I should throw something at the mango tree.

Rest of Day: It was a free day for most of us today, so we were taken to a mangrove beach. It is a very interesting experience going swimming at a mangrove beach-- one steps into the mud/silt, and immediately sinks up to the knee. Nice. It was very enjoyable splashing about in the sea, though, and the scenery was great. I will never forget the sight of scientists and their assistants slinging mudballs at each other (for the record, it was the two plant scientists we call Tree Man and Rattan Man, after their respective fields of expertise, who started it).

We also saw a couple of storks and some kind of bird of prey. And crabs. Ghost crabs, hermit crabs, fiddler crabs, gazillions of them, scuttling across the mudflats. Had a wonderful time.

Day 11

1700: Been out in the forest since 0800. Today I assisted R., who is doing a project on the habitat preferences of skinks, which are a sort of small lizard just about the same colour as the forest floor.

They are very common, but sometimes terribly hard to spot (they're very good at playing 'I'm not there, you don't see me') , but we ran into a bit of luck when I was doing some measurements and one just dropped into the pitfall trap just behind me. Scared the living daylights out of me.

2000: I need to be educated in card games. I can't even play Uno.


Day 12

1600: Again, out with R. since 0800. This time, we ran into M (the resident herpetologist) and her pitfall trapping team, and followed them around for a bit so R. could get to the less accessible sites (he apparently has a horrible sense of direction). I very nearly died of over-exertion. How on earth do these people get so physically fit? I can't count the number of treacherously steep slopes we climbed, the number of fallen trees we leapt over, or the number of times I got so far behind I had to whistle to be sure which direction they went. I was a complete, wheezing wreck when we finally parted ways so R. could do something more sane. It was a worthwhile experience, though-- they caught a gorgeous Draco, or flying lizard, and I would have gladly scaled Mt. Everest just to see one that wasn't dead and dried and sitting in a jar in a Chinese medicine shop.

It wouldn't 'fly', though. M. said it was too stressed out, poor thing.

1700: When we got back to the village, Dani the Indonesian scientist waved me over to see what he'd caught in his mist net, and kindly invited me to the measurement-taking-cum-photography session.

He'd netted two birds, a lemon-bellied white-eye ( a pretty yellow-green bird with an even prettier voice), and a collared kingfisher (a feisty little thing that nearly took his finger off).

He let them go afterwards, and I remember the kingfisher shrieking his indignation before flying off.

Day 13

1630: More lizard work today. R. insisted on scaling a very tall and steep hill. The Indonesian guide has taken to calling R. 'the crazy boss', because he would insist on taking habitat measurements on some really difficult terrain (I swear the slope was nearly vertical at one point, and he was slowly but surely sliding downhill while measuring the circumference of a tree...)

Going down the other side of the hill (where there was yet another transect on a totally impossible slope) made jungle training look like a leisurely stroll across Hyde Park. I was literally clinging to any sturdy bit of of vegetation as I slowly lowered myself down, while R. virtually ran downhill with no concern for his neck. Honestly, is no-one sane around here?

We also bumped into M. again, checking one of the traps, and she fished a tiny black snake out of a bucket and deposited it into my hands. A newly described species, apparently, and insectivorous, with a beautiful, oval-shaped head and a cream belly. I love snakes.

(Sadly, no pictures were taken. Ger, you're in luck.)

Day 14

1800: I must say, it's an... interesting experience to be crashing through the undergrowth holding a clipboard and walky-talky, following a Scotsman dangerously swinging a monstrous radio antenna. Spent the afternoon radiotracking civets, which are apparently not native to this island. We tracked two individuals today, and one of them had the gall to be sleeping, after the massive effort to actually get a signal and triangulate his position. S. (the Scotsman), also enlightened me on the subject of haggis, which I will never, ever eat now I know what it's made of.

Day 15

1230: Morning shift today, from 0600-1200. A fair bit of trekking involving more hills, my shoes nearly getting sucked off by the mud, and lots and lots and lots of fallen trees. I swear, Olympic hurdlers are nothing compared to these people. Not a very interesting day so far, as we didn't manage to get any signals. I amused myself by taking pictures of dung beetles.

Rather reminds me of fitness freaks and their giant exercise balls.

1600: Went to cool off in the nearby river with a couple of friends, since I had the afternoon off. There was a small waterfall above it, and I lay across the rocks with the water washing over me, just watching the coconut trees sway in the breeze...

Day 16

1600: Today was spent helping out with A., or 'Tree-Man', as we call him. His idea of a transect is half a kilometre long, and we took measurements (circumference and estimated height) of every single tree within five metres of the transect. May I remind you that this is a rainforest? Rio, a local, had it somewhat worse-- he was climbing trees to get samples of epiphytes.

Man, he's got guts. Some of these trees are more than 40m tall.

Day 17

0800: Time to leave. Will miss the village and the forest.

1200: On the ferry, now. It will probably take ages and ages to get to Kendari.

1600: It is taking ages and ages, seemingly more than last time. The least I can do is take pictures.

2000 or thereabouts: Finally at the hotel in Kendari. AT LONG LAST, A SHOWER! And air-conditioning. And a proper bed. Bliss.

Day 18

0630: Flight to Makassar. Slept.

0930: Flight to Bali. Slept more.

1100: I am finally in Bali, and my camera battery (after clinging to life for more than a fortnight) has chosen this time to die out. I have more than 10 hours here till my flight home, so I shall spend it with my new friends, rather than sitting out this transit at the airport.

1800: Am feeling very satisfied with myself, as have done lots of shopping and eating and watched a sunset over Kuta Beach instead of staying at the airport. However, it is time to say goodbye yet again. In taxi heading for airport, now.

2300: On flight home. There's a Canadian next to me who's travelling to Singapore.

Canadian: So... what do you recommend I do in Singapore?
Me: Uh... eat. A lot.
Canadian: Oh.
Me: Yeah.

I think I can strike the Singapore Tourism Board off my list of potential employers.

Ye Gods!

There is a eukaryotic organism called Cafeteria?

Excuse me while I leap into the Thames.

Hmm.

There is an awful lot of lupine howling going on downstairs.

Then again, it is the full moon.

Super Duper Overdue Entry

A month or so ago I met up with one of my friends, who is very dear to me because I can talk about certain things with her that I cannot discuss with anyone else I know (for those gossipmongers reading my blog, I have to disappoint you-- nothing to do with sordid secrets).

Anyway, we went to Hyde Park to admire the spring flush of flowers and to feed the (frankly very scary) waterfowl. Treated my poor unsuspecting friend to a one-hour lecture on bird identification and behaviour. Sat on the grass by the Italian fountains and discussed apples.

Then we walked to the Natural History Museum, where we sat on a bench outside to catch our breath and watch a little pigeon porn. After which we went inside to look at the exhibits, and discoursed at great length on minerology and paleobiology.


The end of the obligatory blog entry.

Now for Some Cultural Brainwashing.

Because there is too much "pop" music in this world.



Remember the true geniuses that lived.

Here is Rachmaninov's Elegie, performed by the composer himself-- a lament for the forgotten dead.

Some Scientists....

The mind boggles.

Do read the first article (though the rest are pretty interesting too).

Choice quotes:
"drakes probably use their penises like bottle-brushes"
"it was 32.5 cm long when hanging under the force of gravity"

Ah, evolution.

Quizzy.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Pratchett Madness

I am very, very fond of Terry Pratchett's books. Here are some quotes from the books I've read:

"...my father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of raspberry puddings."
-- Agnes tells Christine about herself (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

Ahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Aahahaha!BEWARE!!!!!Yrs sincerelyThe Opera Ghost
-- (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

"That's right," he said. "We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

"I used to think that I was stupid, and then I met philosophers."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)

"Remember -- that which does not kill us can only make us stronger."
"And that which does kill us leaves us dead!"
-- (Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum)

The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

"?" he said.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

In the Beginning It was a nice day.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay)


Much thanks to the website "The Pratchett Quote File" http://www.ie.lspace.org/books/pqf/index.html

Sweden

I know, I know, it's been ages since I got back from Stockholm. And since a picture's worth a thousand work, I humbly beg you to look here.

Fell Off the Bloody Horse

Had riding lessons today, which was meant to be fun. The horses wouldn't move at first, and when they did they were being rather reluctant and slow. I had to change horses with another rider at one point-- her horse absolutely refused to move, and the instructor apparently thinks I kick harder, for some inexplicable reason. Anyway there were three of us: me, the girl I switched horses with (we've both been riding for a term and a half) and another girl (who hadn't been riding for four months and had had a grand total of two lessons thus far). There was awful weather-- wind howling outside and rain beating madly on the roofs, and the horses got a bit skittish, I suppose.

And they bolted. All three of them. And we all fell off. At the same time. "Synchronised falling," my instructor called it. "Didn't know who to look at."

I still don't know what happened-- I was in the lead, as usual, and have absolutely no idea what was going on behind. From what I can gather it was Royale (the chestnut mare the "new" girl was riding) who spooked and started running. That spooked the horse behind me (Tonto, who was originally the one I was riding), who then spooked my horse (Boysie). So I abruptly found myself galloping across the arena, and oddly enough my only thought was "Huh?". I vaguely remember leaning back and trying to pull on the reins before hitting the ground.

Fell on my head, but somehow managed to pull a calf muscle. The first thing I thought was "I've got to get this to the drycleaner's", and I think the first thing I said was "Yeah, what?" in response to "Gladys?!"

I'm not that displeased about falling off (it didn't really hurt, except for the muscle, and it had to happen sometime...), but I really question the judgement of them putting the new girl on Royale, who, in my opinion, is the flightiest horse in the stables, not to mention a bit cranky. I've seen her bolt twice now, and both riders on both occasions fell off. And the crazy thing just kept galloping around even after we were all on the ground, when Boysie and Tonto had the good grace to stop and look ever so slightly abashed.

Oh, and I lost my keys.

Evilness

I believe some of my friends out there have plans to take over the world. So, here's a brief guideline:

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21 . I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

The Phantom of the Opera and Holly Trees

Went to watch The Phantom of the Opera at Her Majesty's Theatre on Tuesday.

It was a wonderful performance, with fantastic props (think whole moving staircases a la Hogwarts. What? I may not like Harry Potter, but I am not uneducated.) , special effects and illusions ( I still have no idea how they did some of the disappearing acts -- in one the Phantom covered himself in a black cape and just vanished. I kid you not). Really lovely. There was even a massive chandelier that swung down beautifully. And the pyrotechnics! Fabulous!

Ok, shall not get too excited.

Yesterday, I went hacking. Meaning, I got on a ridiculously big horse and rode off into the woods on a very muddy trail. It was a beautiful, clear day, and the woods were dappled gold with the light of the setting sun. Birds sang from their perches in the trees, and squirrels scampered for cover as we rode past.

But it was also very cold and I nearly froze my ass off.

Several times, I found myself far too near some painful-looking holly trees for comfort. And dodging low-lying branches was also rather .... exciting. Very enjoyable, in all, and the horse was a dream to ride. Ah, I will miss this when I get back to SG.

Not Dead Yet

Contrary to popular opinion, am not dead yet.

Possibly close, but not yet.

Check back soon for updates.