Saturday, August 11, 2007

A Survivor's Guide to Leeches, Ticks, and Very Unfriendly Vegetation

Hello all. I know this is really really really outdated, but I thought I owe you guys an account of my (mis)adventures in the jungle. Please see my facebook account for photos!

Day 1

2100: Arrived at Denpasar, Bali. My hotel does not seem to have hot water.

Day 2


0500: Flight to Makassar at seven-thirty, so had to get up early. Took another absolutely freezing shower.

0900: En route to Makassar, Sulawesi. Am messily dribbling jelly syrup all over my diary.

1125: At Makassar airport. I apparently have 5 hours here, so have arranged for tour to see waterfall. I have a feeling I'm paying a bit too much for this...

1300: I have decided that the trip is completely worth my while. Now at Bantimurung waterfall, an absolutely beautiful place with insane numbers of butterflies just swarming around the turquoise pools in psychedelic clouds. It is apparently very popular with the locals. A little too crowded for my liking, but I managed to find some quiet further upstream. A pity I was wearing my boots at the time and so could not bathe my feet. Well I suppose I could have, but it seemed like too much effort to take my shoes off.




I seem to have become some sort of tourist attraction myself, as I have been asked to pose for a photo with a group of giggling schoolgirls. I think it's the big black rucksack. And the fact that I look so Chinese that I seem Japanese. Now that didn't make sense. Perhaps I am getting dehydrated.


1630: Flight to Kendari, which is the capital of Southeast Sulawesi.

1930: Why on earth did my travel agent book me a room with two single beds in it? Oh well, at least there seems to be hot water.

2000: Yes, there is scaldingly hot water. And freezing cold water. Nothing in between. Can't decide which I prefer.


Day 3

0530: Met up with K, who's also a volunteer with the same organisation. Got transported to another hotel, which contained the rest of this week's batch of volunteers. There is a very whiny group of sixth-formers, with a teacher who might as well be branded with the words "OVERENTHUSIASTIC BIRDWATCHER" on his forehead.

0730: On the ferry to Buton Island. Apparently this takes about 5 hours. It is getting rather choppy, and the schoolchildren are getting a bit seasick. I love being on boats. Think I will go out on deck.

0900: It very pleasant out on deck. Not too sunny. Unfortunately, too choppy to risk getting my camera out to photograph the excellent scenery.

10ish: Have returned 'indoors', and am now inexplicably sitting next to the bird enthusiast. He has a book on the birds of Sulawesi, apparently. Entertained myself briefly by explaining what was in his snack bun (red bean paste).

Still 10-ish: The bird enthusiast has redeemed himself by pointing out a huge school of flying fish, which apparently think the ferry is some kind of fearsome predator.

1300: Disembarked on the island of Buton and am now in the town of Bau Bau. Off we go to the organisation's headquarters.

1400ish: Am squeezed in a tiny van with several volunteers. The vehicle is going at a breakneck speed, uphill, on a very rocky road. I can barely read my own writing. K. is here too, and trying to dry her washing by holding it out the window. I wonder what the locals think of lacy knickers hanging out of a speeding van?


1730: Have arrived at Labundo-bundo village, a nice, quiet-looking place. We will apparently be staying at a villager's home (for now). K. and L. (both from the same van) and I seem to have been assigned the same house, which is lucky.



Day 4

0400: I am seriously considering throwing a boot at that damned rooster.

0600: Went out on some kind of bird walk. The bird enthusiast was understandably even more enthusiastic than usual. I wish I'd brought my binoculars (I do some birdwatching at home). We saw a great many species-- several kinds of birds of prey, two sunbirds, and even black macques (monkeys). I took some pictures of the sun coming up behind the trees.

1700:The rest of the day was quite relaxed, just getting to know the people who are going on the mandatory jungle training together ( five girls! And K. and L. are going, too. The school group apparently is doing something else). Dani the guide took us on a walk around the village introducing some of the plant life, and I got to eat a bit of a cocoa fruit (doesn't taste like chocolate at all-- that's from the seeds). The villagers grow coffee here as well, and I find that I quite enjoy the local blend. Has quite a kick to it. We will be setting off into the jungle tomorrow, and I have packing to do.

Day 5

0500: Still in the village... off to a nearby patch of forest to hunt for tarsiers, which are a tiny sort of primate with huge eyes. One hears them all the time, but they are quite hard to spot. We managed to find two, which bounced from tree-trunk to tree-trunk like some kind of aboreal rabbit. I must say they look rather like Furbys, only in more sensible colours.

1200: We wave goodbye to civillisation.

1400: I have no idea why I keep falling down. Perhaps it is because my boots aren't ankle-length like the others', and keep getting nearly sucked off by the mud. It is supposed to be the dry season, but it keeps raining, and the trail is a nightmare. Otherwise it is a fairly scenic route, and not too demanding.

1500: Set up camp in a spot that could pass for a mud-wrestling pit. My shoes are completely sodden from crossing the river several times, and my sandals keep getting stuck in the mud. No hope of dry feet here! We are sleeping in hammocks tonight (thank goodness), and mine is damp already, from the rain (despite the 'waterproof' raincover over it).

Day 6

0700: We are apparently staying in this camp for two nights, but our guide thinks it's a good idea to take us trekking all over the place anyway. Had the unique experience of climbing a very steep, slippery hill in soaking wet boots, and then climbing (or rather sliding) back down again. The forest is very beautiful, though.

0800: We were taught how to cut firewood using a parang (a multipurpose heavy knife) and how to start a fire using only a lighter. I'm simply relieved we even have a lighter, because it's taking rather long to get the fire started!

10ish: Interesting insect life-- all kinds of colourful beetles flying around. One just landed on my dirty, smelly sock.

1100: We were taught how to properly read a map and navigate in the jungle. Trekked upriver (very literally, up the river) to a splendid waterfall, taking bearings every so often in an attempt to draw a map of the route (got the scale a bit wrong). Had a lovely time swimming in it, even though it was freezing cold!

By the way, it rained nearly the whole day. Nearly.

Day 7

0600: We trekked (well, waded) upriver to a hot spring, and then another waterfall. The hot spring (or rather, hot waterfall) wasn't very much, just a small trickle really, but it was still wonderful to bathe our feet (which hadn't been dry since we set out) and kill whatever nasty things that might have taken up residence between our toes.

The second waterfall had a deeper pool and was thus much more suited for swimming (and developing hypothermia, probably). I think I am become very fond of running water. Apparently, we sighted an eagle of some sort, but all I saw was its ruddy (literally) rear end.

1200: We broke camp at about 1000 to trek to our second camp. It was raining all through last night, so the trail was hopelessly muddy. Add a horrifically steep incline, a 50L rucksack, and unfriendly, thorny vegetation all around, and you have a hiker's worst nightmare. There was absolutely no grip, and we were hauling ourselves up using rattan ropes half the time and crawling on all fours for the rest.

1400: We have finally arrived at the second camp, which is just as muddy as the first. We apparently have to build a shelter out of wood and rattan. And it is raining again.

1600: We have completed the shelter, thanks mostly to the efforts of the guides and porters, who are remarkably strong and work like lightning. The rain was running in my eyes all the time, and I couldn't really tell what I was doing. Probably tying the knots all wrong and ensuring the imminent collapse of the entire structure. I am completely soaked and shivering. What's more, I have just spotted a tick on my leg. Excuse me a moment while I get rid of it-- ouch!

1615: Got rid of it. Actually, I screamed for the doctor, who came to check that it wasn't anything dangerous, and removed it properly so no bits would be left to fester in my skin. Rather colourful, if nasty little thing. I think I saw one of the guides frying it to a crisp with his cigarette. Oh well.

1900: The shelter is quite cosy, if a bit cramped. One of the group members seems to attract leeches-- this is her what, fourth one today? L. got bitten by a tick, too. Infested, this place.

Day 8

0700: Wandered around the area being introduced to various plants by Dani, the Indonesian scientist who tagged along.

1000: We were introduced to the various methods of getting water out of lianas and rattan stems, as well as how to cook eggs in leaves or bake them in mud. Apparently bits of rattan stem are quite edible, too. Useful plant, that. Don't care much for the taste, though.

1230: We began the trek to the third camp at around 1000. It was excruciating. Remember yesterday's rain? Add that to three hills. Three steep hills. I can't decide which I like less, going uphill or downhill. While trying to descend a hill I lost my footing and fell, and my arm caught and dragged along a clump of absolutely vicious rattan. I am still picking thorns out of my forearm, and the sap has irritated the area into a rash. Plus, a leech with apparently vampiric tendencies latched onto my neck, and it took absolutely ages to get it off.

1500: The third camp is on a hill, and it is a precarious slide down to the river, where we are to do our washing (honestly, do not really see the point, as the moment one steps out of the river, one would be ankle deep in mud yet again). I am thankful that we are sleeping in hammocks again, though.

1900: I have decided that I like hammocks.

Day 9

0700: We are returning to the village today, so I am looking forward to a proper wash.

10ish: Oh, yay, more hills!

11ish: We have reached the main road and are now in a van on the way back to the village. On the way here we passed through some (really muddy) agricultural land, washed off at a waterfall, then waded through a river, before heading back onto the fields to get muddy again. Oh well. Very nearly walked into a chilli plant, but that is beside the point.

1300: We are back at Labundo-bundo! Have had lunch, and plan on spending afternoon getting clean and mucking out my comb, which has turned black.

1600: Have discovered it is a bad idea to give away paper boats, as have had to fold them for every single small child in the viilage as all of them started clamouring for one.

1700: Further discoveries: chickens are very silly creatures. The chickens belonging to the family I live with roost in a mango tree that is too high for them to fly up into, so they clamber onto a nearby wall and use it as a runway to launch themselves into the tree. It's ridiculous. Sometimes they don't quite make it, and fall off.

2000: I don't think I properly appreciated the night sky while in the jungle (thanks to the canopy). There is absolutely no light pollution here, and it is a cloudless night. The moon is nearing its full, and so bright you can see quite clearly by it, and stars occupy almost every vacant position in the sky. Breathtaking. The villagers probably think I'm nuts, staring at the sky like that.

Day 10

0400: Damn the roosters. I should throw something at the mango tree.

Rest of Day: It was a free day for most of us today, so we were taken to a mangrove beach. It is a very interesting experience going swimming at a mangrove beach-- one steps into the mud/silt, and immediately sinks up to the knee. Nice. It was very enjoyable splashing about in the sea, though, and the scenery was great. I will never forget the sight of scientists and their assistants slinging mudballs at each other (for the record, it was the two plant scientists we call Tree Man and Rattan Man, after their respective fields of expertise, who started it).

We also saw a couple of storks and some kind of bird of prey. And crabs. Ghost crabs, hermit crabs, fiddler crabs, gazillions of them, scuttling across the mudflats. Had a wonderful time.

Day 11

1700: Been out in the forest since 0800. Today I assisted R., who is doing a project on the habitat preferences of skinks, which are a sort of small lizard just about the same colour as the forest floor.

They are very common, but sometimes terribly hard to spot (they're very good at playing 'I'm not there, you don't see me') , but we ran into a bit of luck when I was doing some measurements and one just dropped into the pitfall trap just behind me. Scared the living daylights out of me.

2000: I need to be educated in card games. I can't even play Uno.


Day 12

1600: Again, out with R. since 0800. This time, we ran into M (the resident herpetologist) and her pitfall trapping team, and followed them around for a bit so R. could get to the less accessible sites (he apparently has a horrible sense of direction). I very nearly died of over-exertion. How on earth do these people get so physically fit? I can't count the number of treacherously steep slopes we climbed, the number of fallen trees we leapt over, or the number of times I got so far behind I had to whistle to be sure which direction they went. I was a complete, wheezing wreck when we finally parted ways so R. could do something more sane. It was a worthwhile experience, though-- they caught a gorgeous Draco, or flying lizard, and I would have gladly scaled Mt. Everest just to see one that wasn't dead and dried and sitting in a jar in a Chinese medicine shop.

It wouldn't 'fly', though. M. said it was too stressed out, poor thing.

1700: When we got back to the village, Dani the Indonesian scientist waved me over to see what he'd caught in his mist net, and kindly invited me to the measurement-taking-cum-photography session.

He'd netted two birds, a lemon-bellied white-eye ( a pretty yellow-green bird with an even prettier voice), and a collared kingfisher (a feisty little thing that nearly took his finger off).

He let them go afterwards, and I remember the kingfisher shrieking his indignation before flying off.

Day 13

1630: More lizard work today. R. insisted on scaling a very tall and steep hill. The Indonesian guide has taken to calling R. 'the crazy boss', because he would insist on taking habitat measurements on some really difficult terrain (I swear the slope was nearly vertical at one point, and he was slowly but surely sliding downhill while measuring the circumference of a tree...)

Going down the other side of the hill (where there was yet another transect on a totally impossible slope) made jungle training look like a leisurely stroll across Hyde Park. I was literally clinging to any sturdy bit of of vegetation as I slowly lowered myself down, while R. virtually ran downhill with no concern for his neck. Honestly, is no-one sane around here?

We also bumped into M. again, checking one of the traps, and she fished a tiny black snake out of a bucket and deposited it into my hands. A newly described species, apparently, and insectivorous, with a beautiful, oval-shaped head and a cream belly. I love snakes.

(Sadly, no pictures were taken. Ger, you're in luck.)

Day 14

1800: I must say, it's an... interesting experience to be crashing through the undergrowth holding a clipboard and walky-talky, following a Scotsman dangerously swinging a monstrous radio antenna. Spent the afternoon radiotracking civets, which are apparently not native to this island. We tracked two individuals today, and one of them had the gall to be sleeping, after the massive effort to actually get a signal and triangulate his position. S. (the Scotsman), also enlightened me on the subject of haggis, which I will never, ever eat now I know what it's made of.

Day 15

1230: Morning shift today, from 0600-1200. A fair bit of trekking involving more hills, my shoes nearly getting sucked off by the mud, and lots and lots and lots of fallen trees. I swear, Olympic hurdlers are nothing compared to these people. Not a very interesting day so far, as we didn't manage to get any signals. I amused myself by taking pictures of dung beetles.

Rather reminds me of fitness freaks and their giant exercise balls.

1600: Went to cool off in the nearby river with a couple of friends, since I had the afternoon off. There was a small waterfall above it, and I lay across the rocks with the water washing over me, just watching the coconut trees sway in the breeze...

Day 16

1600: Today was spent helping out with A., or 'Tree-Man', as we call him. His idea of a transect is half a kilometre long, and we took measurements (circumference and estimated height) of every single tree within five metres of the transect. May I remind you that this is a rainforest? Rio, a local, had it somewhat worse-- he was climbing trees to get samples of epiphytes.

Man, he's got guts. Some of these trees are more than 40m tall.

Day 17

0800: Time to leave. Will miss the village and the forest.

1200: On the ferry, now. It will probably take ages and ages to get to Kendari.

1600: It is taking ages and ages, seemingly more than last time. The least I can do is take pictures.

2000 or thereabouts: Finally at the hotel in Kendari. AT LONG LAST, A SHOWER! And air-conditioning. And a proper bed. Bliss.

Day 18

0630: Flight to Makassar. Slept.

0930: Flight to Bali. Slept more.

1100: I am finally in Bali, and my camera battery (after clinging to life for more than a fortnight) has chosen this time to die out. I have more than 10 hours here till my flight home, so I shall spend it with my new friends, rather than sitting out this transit at the airport.

1800: Am feeling very satisfied with myself, as have done lots of shopping and eating and watched a sunset over Kuta Beach instead of staying at the airport. However, it is time to say goodbye yet again. In taxi heading for airport, now.

2300: On flight home. There's a Canadian next to me who's travelling to Singapore.

Canadian: So... what do you recommend I do in Singapore?
Me: Uh... eat. A lot.
Canadian: Oh.
Me: Yeah.

I think I can strike the Singapore Tourism Board off my list of potential employers.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Ye Gods!

There is a eukaryotic organism called Cafeteria?

Excuse me while I leap into the Thames.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Hmm.

There is an awful lot of lupine howling going on downstairs.

Then again, it is the full moon.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Super Duper Overdue Entry

A month or so ago I met up with one of my friends, who is very dear to me because I can talk about certain things with her that I cannot discuss with anyone else I know (for those gossipmongers reading my blog, I have to disappoint you-- nothing to do with sordid secrets).

Anyway, we went to Hyde Park to admire the spring flush of flowers and to feed the (frankly very scary) waterfowl. Treated my poor unsuspecting friend to a one-hour lecture on bird identification and behaviour. Sat on the grass by the Italian fountains and discussed apples.

Then we walked to the Natural History Museum, where we sat on a bench outside to catch our breath and watch a little pigeon porn. After which we went inside to look at the exhibits, and discoursed at great length on minerology and paleobiology.


The end of the obligatory blog entry.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Now for Some Cultural Brainwashing.

Because there is too much "pop" music in this world.



Remember the true geniuses that lived.

Here is Rachmaninov's Elegie, performed by the composer himself-- a lament for the forgotten dead.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Some Scientists....

The mind boggles.

Do read the first article (though the rest are pretty interesting too).

Choice quotes:
"drakes probably use their penises like bottle-brushes"
"it was 32.5 cm long when hanging under the force of gravity"

Ah, evolution.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pratchett Madness

I am very, very fond of Terry Pratchett's books. Here are some quotes from the books I've read:

"...my father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of raspberry puddings."
-- Agnes tells Christine about herself (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

Ahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Aahahaha!BEWARE!!!!!Yrs sincerelyThe Opera Ghost
-- (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)

"That's right," he said. "We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

"I used to think that I was stupid, and then I met philosophers."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)

"Remember -- that which does not kill us can only make us stronger."
"And that which does kill us leaves us dead!"
-- (Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum)

The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

"?" he said.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

In the Beginning It was a nice day.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay)


Much thanks to the website "The Pratchett Quote File" http://www.ie.lspace.org/books/pqf/index.html

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Sweden

I know, I know, it's been ages since I got back from Stockholm. And since a picture's worth a thousand work, I humbly beg you to look here.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Fell Off the Bloody Horse

Had riding lessons today, which was meant to be fun. The horses wouldn't move at first, and when they did they were being rather reluctant and slow. I had to change horses with another rider at one point-- her horse absolutely refused to move, and the instructor apparently thinks I kick harder, for some inexplicable reason. Anyway there were three of us: me, the girl I switched horses with (we've both been riding for a term and a half) and another girl (who hadn't been riding for four months and had had a grand total of two lessons thus far). There was awful weather-- wind howling outside and rain beating madly on the roofs, and the horses got a bit skittish, I suppose.

And they bolted. All three of them. And we all fell off. At the same time. "Synchronised falling," my instructor called it. "Didn't know who to look at."

I still don't know what happened-- I was in the lead, as usual, and have absolutely no idea what was going on behind. From what I can gather it was Royale (the chestnut mare the "new" girl was riding) who spooked and started running. That spooked the horse behind me (Tonto, who was originally the one I was riding), who then spooked my horse (Boysie). So I abruptly found myself galloping across the arena, and oddly enough my only thought was "Huh?". I vaguely remember leaning back and trying to pull on the reins before hitting the ground.

Fell on my head, but somehow managed to pull a calf muscle. The first thing I thought was "I've got to get this to the drycleaner's", and I think the first thing I said was "Yeah, what?" in response to "Gladys?!"

I'm not that displeased about falling off (it didn't really hurt, except for the muscle, and it had to happen sometime...), but I really question the judgement of them putting the new girl on Royale, who, in my opinion, is the flightiest horse in the stables, not to mention a bit cranky. I've seen her bolt twice now, and both riders on both occasions fell off. And the crazy thing just kept galloping around even after we were all on the ground, when Boysie and Tonto had the good grace to stop and look ever so slightly abashed.

Oh, and I lost my keys.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Evilness

I believe some of my friends out there have plans to take over the world. So, here's a brief guideline:

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.



1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21 . I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Phantom of the Opera and Holly Trees

Went to watch The Phantom of the Opera at Her Majesty's Theatre on Tuesday.

It was a wonderful performance, with fantastic props (think whole moving staircases a la Hogwarts. What? I may not like Harry Potter, but I am not uneducated.) , special effects and illusions ( I still have no idea how they did some of the disappearing acts -- in one the Phantom covered himself in a black cape and just vanished. I kid you not). Really lovely. There was even a massive chandelier that swung down beautifully. And the pyrotechnics! Fabulous!

Ok, shall not get too excited.

Yesterday, I went hacking. Meaning, I got on a ridiculously big horse and rode off into the woods on a very muddy trail. It was a beautiful, clear day, and the woods were dappled gold with the light of the setting sun. Birds sang from their perches in the trees, and squirrels scampered for cover as we rode past.

But it was also very cold and I nearly froze my ass off.

Several times, I found myself far too near some painful-looking holly trees for comfort. And dodging low-lying branches was also rather .... exciting. Very enjoyable, in all, and the horse was a dream to ride. Ah, I will miss this when I get back to SG.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Not Dead Yet

Contrary to popular opinion, am not dead yet.

Possibly close, but not yet.

Check back soon for updates.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Ennui

001. What’s your name? Are you asking for my full name or first name? Either way I’m not giving it away. Bleh.
002. Spell your name backwards: See above
003. Date of birth: 12. 12. 1987
004. Male of Female? Female
005. Astrological Sig: Sagittarius
006. Nicknames: Madame; Butterfly; Queenie
007. Occupation: student
008. Height: not tall enough
009. Weight: too heavy
010. Hair Color: black
011. Eye Color: dark
012. Where were you born? In a hospital
013. Where do you reside now? In a ratty hall that leaks, among other things.
014. Age: 19
015. Screen Names: schmetterling
016. Email Address: You ain’t getting that, mate.
017. What does you screen name stand for? Butterfly
018. What is your xanga name? Got no xanga name, mate.
019. What does your xanga name stand for? See above.
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday? Five, strangely, because my friends couldn’t count.
022. Piercings: two
023. Tatoos: none
024. Shoe Size: 7
025. Righty or Lefty: Righty
026. Wearing: Clothes, of course. Were you expecting leaves?
027. Hearing: Some random Rossini overture
028. Feeling: mildly irritated by this quiz
029. Eating/Drinking: nothing at the moment, which is unusual.

~Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff~
030.Have you ever been in love? Define this ‘love” you speak of.
031. How many people have told you "I love you"? Oh I don’t know. Is one meant to count?
032. How many people have you been in love with? See 030
033. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? What the hey?
034. Do you have any neices or nephews? It’s spelt “nieces”. And yes.
035. Are your parents divorced? no036. Do you have step parents? no037. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? no
038. If so for what? no
039. Did your family come to America from another country? Am I in America? Nooo, and thank heavens.

~Music Stuff~
040. What song do you swear was written about your life? I don’t have a life, hence there is no song that is written about my life.
041. What is the most embarressing c.d you own? I am proud of all of them.
042. What is the best c.d you own? Brahms requiem
043. What song do you absolutely hate? I have a long, long list.
044. Do you sing in the shower? No?
045. What song reminds you of someone special? N.A

Questions 46-70are about pop music and hence completely inapplicable.

~Favorites~
071. Color : navy blue
072. Food: currently, ciabatta bread
073. Song: Hmm. Lascia ch’io piange? Haha.
074. Show: HOUSE MD
075. School Subject: I only have one subject….
076. Band/Singer: Andrea Bocelli!
077. Animal: Horse. Ain’t it obvious.
078. Outfit: Black.
079. Radio Station: Accuradio’s Classical Crossover
080. Movie: LOTR! D’oh.
081. Pair Of Shoes: The high heels I left at home…sob
082. Cartoon: I don’t watch cartoons.
083. Actor: uh.
084. Actress: uuuh.
085. Potato Chip: Ruffles!
086. Drink: Definitely not British tap water, let’s put it this way…
087. Alcoholic Drink: white wine
088. Holiday: Chinese New Year
089. Perfume/Cologne: Kenzo Park
090. Pizza Topping: Cheese?
091. Jello Flavor: Grape
092. Lunch Meat: Turkey ham
093. Board Game: Is chess a board game?
094. Video Game: Zelda (though I get stuck EVERY TIME)
095. Website: Worth1000, oh WIKIPEDIA
096. Book: LOTR… (are you beginning to see a pattern here?)
097. Computer Game: BFME!
098. Number: 12
099. Cereal: anything that’s sweet, really.
100. Comedian: -
101. Dessert: ice cream cake
102. Disney Character: Kronk in the Emperor’s New Groove.
103. Clothing Store: Esprit/Lee
104. Pastime: Reading, writing, drawing
105. Teacher: Lecturer? Dr. Cookie & Prof. Wright
106. Childhood Toy: My Mechanix Set
107. Carnival Game: I don’t go to carnivals
108. Candy Bar: Crunch
109. Magazine: Discover, NewScientist
110. Salad Dressing: I don’t even know what kinds of dressing there are. Not a big salad fan. I mean, what’s the point of a salad? Just eat the veg already.
111. Things To Do On The Weekend: read, write, draw
112. Hot Drink: COFFEEEEEEEEEEE
113. Season: Autumn
114. Sports To Watch: Showjumping, Gymnastics, Ballroom
115. Person To Talk To Online: depends.

~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
116. What Color Are Your Sheets? Er. Hard to describe, really. Brown and white and blue?
117. What Color Are Your Bedroom Walls? At home you mean? Cream.
118. Do You Have Posters On Your Wall? No. What is the point, pray?
119. If So, Of What? N.A
120. Do You Have A TV In Your Bedroom? Nein
121. How many pillows are on your bed? At home, two.1
22. What do you normally sleep in? What I happen to be wearing at the point of time I feel like going to sleep.
123. Describe Your Favorite Pair Of Pajamas: N.A
124. What Size Bed Do You Have? Single125. Do You Have A Waterbed/Bunkbed/Daybed? daybed
126. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? no
127. Do You Listen To Music While You Try To Fall Asleep? no
128. Describe The Last Nightmare You Had: I don’t have nightmares. Do I count the one I was killed in? Wasn’t really a nightmare.
129. Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal? A green stuffed toy fish. It goes on top of my face.
130. How Many People Can Comfortably Sleep In Your Bed? 1
131. Do You Sleep In Any Unusual Positions? Does sleeping with eyes half-open count?
132. Do You Have To Share A Bedroom With A Sibling? no133. Do You Drool? If I sleep on my face, yes.
134. Do You Have An Alarmclock In Your Room? Yes
135. What Color Is The Carpet In Your Room? No carpet
136. What's Under Your Bed? Dust, I think


~This Or That~
137. Beach/Mountains
138. Donuts/Bagels
139. Day/Night: Night
140. Wicked Witch Of The East/ Wicked Witch Of The West: do I care? Noooo.
141Heaven/Hell: Don’t actually believe in either, so, what’s the point.
142. Make Love/Have Sex: there is technically no difference between the two terms.
43. Coffee/Tea: coffee!

144. Britney/Christina: neither145. Swiss Cheese/American Cheese: Swiss
146. Real World/Road Rules: ?
147. Backstreet Boys/Nsync: ?
148. Silver/Gold: All that glitters is gold. But gold is tacky. See LOTR for details. Silver pretty, but not as bling as gold.
149. Nike/Adidas:

150. McDonalds/Taco Bell:
151. Sweet/Sour: sweet
152. Punk/Emo: neither
153. Hot/Cold: cold

154. Winter/Summer:
155. Spring/Fall:
156. Operas/Plays: d’uh
157. Read/Watch TV: read

158. CDs/Tapes: CDs
159. DVD/VHS: DVD
160. Old/New: depends
161. Shorts/pants:
162. Pink/Red: red
163. Colored/Black And White Photos: Colored
164. Meat/Vegetables: veg
165. Mexican Food/Chinese Food: chinese
166. ......
167. Scary Movies/Comedies:
168. Bikinis/One Piece Bathing Suits:
169. Sandals/Tennis Shoes:
170. Dogs/Cats:
171. Unicorns/Fairies: Fairies are plain nancy.
172. Water/Land: water

173. Sugar/Spice: sugar
174. Black/White: black
175. Ribbons/Bows:
176. Chicken/Beef:
177. Colored/White Christmas Lights: white
178. Cars/Trucks: cars
179. Austin Powers/James Bond:
180. Popcorn/Pretzels: Popcorn
181. Hip/Hop: ew
82. Passionate Kiss/Peck: stay away from me

183. WWE Wrestling/Real Wrestling: Mud wrestling?
184. Back Rub/Foot Massage:
185. Picture Frames/Photo Albums:
186. Pens/Pencils:

~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following?~
187. Eminem: who
188. Virgins: good for catching unicorns
89. God: Doesn’t exist, hopefully.
190. The Osbournes: weird
191. Reality TV: stupid
192. J.Lo: why insure your butt?
193. Religion: will be the cause of world destruction one day
194. Emo Music: What’s Prozac for, pray?
195. Valentine's Day: -shrug-
196. Christina Aguilera's Comeback: who?
197. Homosexuals: quite natural, though obviously an evolutionary dead end.
198. Abortion: Sometimes medically necessary. Don’t fuss.
199. Inter-Racial Relationships: Why is this a problem?
200. Murder: fascinating human behaviour, no?
201. Death: comes to everyone.
202. Obesity: sad and wholly preventable
203. Pre-Marital Sex: I believe that marriage is an artificial human condition.
204. Terrorism: Though I like explosions, stop bombing. It’s rude.
205. Pornography: illogical, really.
206. Fortune Tellers: why don’t their pants catch fire?
207. Threesomes: conceptually baffling
208. Prostitution: an age-old profession that will last unto the ending of the world
209. Politics: a headache
210. Country Music: eep
211. George W. Bush: Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.
212. Cloning: happens in the natural world all the time
213. Britney's Boobs: none of my concern

214. Gas Prices In America: ought to be much higher.

~What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Names?~
215. Jack: a beanstalk
216. Tiffany: the girl downstairs with too many shoes
217. Ben: my orchestral colleague
218. Maria: the Greek girl who has an obsession with my riding crop
219. Jennifer: my ex piano teacher who utterly sucked
220. Nicole: a friend
221. Amy: a friend
222. Adam: his ribs
223. Richard: Lionheart
224. Justin: Friend
225. Arnold: Ooh the Gov’ner
226. Tom: across the landing
227. Melissa: Nicole’s sister
228. Charlotte: Charlotte's web
229. Harold: the sock puppet in someone’s fanfic
230. John: friend
231. Joel: donkey
232. Vanessa: Mae
233. Michelle: Nicole’s cousin
234. Kevin: Guy in riding who fell asleep on another guy’s shoulder
235. Brent: rings no bells
236. Jake: ditto
237. Billy: goat
238. Sarah: CSI
239. Natalie: friend
240. Christi: nothing
241. Nick:
242. Linda:
243. Taylor:
244. Jordan:
245. Jamie: ex-classmate
246. Adriana:

~Have You Ever...~
247. Mooned Anyone? Does “mooned” mean throw to the moon?
248. Been On A Diet? Yes
249. Been To A Foreign Country? yes
250. Broken A Bone: nope
251. Swallowed A Tooth/Cap/Filling? No?
252. Swear At A Teacher? No?
253. Talked To An Xanga Member, Via, E-mails, or Instant Messages? Heck, one lives in my room.
254. Got In A Fight? No
255. Dated A Teacher? Serious? No?
256. Laughed So Hard You Peed Your Pants? no
257. Thought About Killing Your Enemy? Regularly.
258. Gone Skinny Dipping? no
259. Met Another Xanga Member In The Flesh? One lives in my room
260. Told A Little White Lie? If you haven’t you ain’t human.
261. Told A Secret You Swore Not To Tell? No
262. Stolen Anything? nope
263. Misused A Swear Word And It Sounded Absolutely Stupid? Nope
264. Been On TV? Yep
265. Been On The Radio? no
266. Been In A Mosh Pit? A what?
267. Been To A Concert? Many many many…
268. Dated One Of Your Best Friends? No
269. Loved Someone So Much It Makes You Cry? no
270. Decieved Someone Close To You? no
271. Broken The Law? no
272. Been To A Rodeo? no
273. Been On A Talk Show? no
274. Been On A Game Show? no
275. Been On An Airplane? Yes
276. Got To Ride On A Fire Truck? no
277. Came Close To Dying? Probably, every time I eat a meal cooked by myself.
278. Cheated On A bF? No?
279. Gave Someone A Piggy Back Ride? Yes, sadly.
280. Terrorized A Babysitter? no
281. Made A Mud Pie? no
282. Had A Dream That You're Falling Off A Cliff? no
283. Snuck Out Of The House At Night? no
284. Been So Drunk You Didn't Remember Your Name? no
285. Had An Eating Disorder? no
286. Felt Like You Didn't Belong? Belong to what?
287. Felt Like A Third-Wheel? A what?
288. Smoked? no
289. Done Drugs? No
290. Been Arrested?no
291. Had Your Tonsils Removed? no
292. Gone To Camp? Yes
293. Won A Bet? Yes, I think.
294. Written A Love Letter? No.
295. Gone Out Of Your Way To Be With The One You Love? no
296. Written A Love Poem? No?
297. Kissed In The Rain? People do that?
298. Slow Danced With Someone You Love? no
299. Participated In Cyber Sex? no
300. Faked An Orgasm? no
301. Stolen A Kiss? no
302. Asked A Friend For Relationship Advice? no
303. Had A Friend Steal Your bF? no
304. Watched The Sunset/Rise With Someone You Love? no
305. Gotten A Speeding Ticket? No
306. Done Jail Time? no
307. Had To Wear A Uniform To Work? No
308. Won A Trophy? Yes.
309. Thrown Up In Public? No.
310. Bowled A Perfect Game? no
311. Failed/Got Held Back? No.
312. Got Perfect Attendence In Grade School? Never.
313. Roasted Pumpkin Seeds? no
314. Taken Ballet Lessons? No.
315. Attempted Suicide? no
316. Cut yourself? All the time. On paper, knives….

~Childhood Stuff~
317. Did You Play With Barbies? Yes, sadly.
318. Did You Own Treasure Trolls? No?
319. Did You Watch Beverly Hills 90210? no
320. Did You Play Simon? no
321. Did You Watch Fraggle Rock? what?
322. Did You Wet The Bed? Never.
323. Did You Believe That Monsters Were In Your Closet Or Under Your Bed? Of course not. How silly.
324. Did You Wear The Underwear With The Days Of The Week On Them? no
325. Were You Shy? Not by a long shot
326. Were You Spoiled? no
327. Were You Abused? no
328. Did You Go To The Circus? no
329. Did You Go To The Zoo? Yeah
330. Were You In A Car Accident? no
331. Did You Build Snowmen? sadly, it doesn't snow where I live
332. Did You Cry When You Scraped Your Knee? No.
333. Were Your Older Cousins Mean To You?no
334. Did You Think Slinkies Were Cool? yes
335. Did You Think The Ninja Turtles Really Lived In A Sewer? No
336. Were You Afraid Of The Dark? No, loved it
337. Did You Have Slumber Parties?
no338. Did You Have New Kids On The Block Sheets, Curtains, Sleeping Bags, Dolls, And Pajams? no
339. Did You Tease Your Hair? You mean laugh at it? Why yes.
340. Did You Believe In Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/And The Tooth Fairy? No?

~Randomness~
341. Do You Believe In Aliens? I believe in the possibility of alien life-forms.
342.Name three Things That Are Next To Your Computer: yoghurt cup, paints, paper.
343. Do You Have Any Hidden Talents? If I told you they wouldn’t be hidden now, would they?
344. Do You Wish MTV Would Play More Music? Ew?
345. If You Were A Star In A Movie, What Movie Would You Be In? I don’t wanna.
346. What Would Your Movie Star Name Be? I told you, I don’t wanna.
347. Do You Play Any Sports? Does riding count?
348. What's The Scariest Movie You've Ever Seen? Snow white, probably.
349. What Is The Best Movie You've Seen In Theatre Or Rented Recently? V for Vendetta
350. What Is The Dumbest Movie You've Even Seen? Harry Potter. I vomit in its general direction.
351. Do You Drive? no
352. What Is Your Dream Car? One that does not guzzle oil and belch noxious fumes.
353. Do You Think You Are Good-Looking? If a lump of lard is good looking, then I am good looking.
354. Do Others Say You Are Good-Looking? Apparently. I know not what ails them.
355. Would You Ever Sky Dive? no
356. Do You Believe In Big Foot? Well, I have a big foot.
357. How Many Rooms Do You Have In Your House? 5
358. Are You Afraid Of Roller Coasters? Yawn
359. Do You Believe In God? No
360. Do You Believe In Satan? No
361. Do You Believe There's A Heaven? No
62. Do You Believe There Is A Hell? No
363. Do You Own A Pooltable? No
364. Do You Have A Pool? No
365. Do You Have A Dishwasher In Your Kitchen? No
367. Do You Like Chocolate? I live on it, practically
368. Who/What Is On Your Calander? Do you not specify which day?
369. How Many U.S States Have Been To? 0

370. Ever Wished On A Shooting Star? no
371. Best Halloween Costume You Ever Wore? -
372. Do You Carry Weapons On You? No?
373. What Is Your Weakness? chocolate
374. Name Something You Can't Get Enough Of: chocolate
375. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have? 0
376. Future Daughters Names: N.a
377. Future Son's Names: N.A
378. What Is Your Ideal Way To Die? Choking on a cookie.
379. How Do You Relieve Stress? Eat chocolate
380. Are You A Trendy Person? no
381. Are You An Artistic Person? I suppose.
382. Are You A Realistic Person? Highly.
383. Do You Untie Your Shoes Everytime You Take Them Off? Never.
384. Are You A Strong Person? Do I know? No.
385. Are You A Strong Willed Person? Probably
386. Who Is The Last Person To Email You? artsoc
387. Who Was The Last Person To IM You? Ger?
388. Do You Hate Chain Emails? Yes
389. Are You A Deep-Sleeper? Yes
390. Are You A Good Story Teller? No
391. What Do You Believe Is Your Best Quality? Being able to sleep through almost anything
392. What Is Your Greatest Accomplishment? Sleeping though an episode of ant-killing going on just inches from my nose.
393. Do You Like To Burn Candles Or Incense? No
394. Do You Do Yoga? No
395. Do You Have Your Own Credit Card? Yes
396. Let's Say You Win The Lotto: Great. I can pay for my education.
397. Did You Have A Check Book? Yes
398. Do You Like Your Driver? Do I have a driver?
399. Do You Tan Easily? Do I tan?
400. What Color Is Your Hair Naturally? black
401. How Many Fillings Do You Have? three
402. How Many Cavities Did You Have At Your Last Denist Visit? three
403. Worst Feeling In The World? Having no chocolate
404. Best Feeling In The World? Caffeine high.
405. Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full? What’s the fuss? It holds the same amount of liquid anyway.
406. Last Thing You Downloaded? 300 wallpaper.
407. Do You Catch Yourself Using Online Terms In Regular Life? no
408. What Do You Think People Think Of You? That I am very, very odd.
409. Are You A Likeable Person? Not particularly
410. Do You Need Therapy? Proabably
411. Do You Take Medication For A Chemical Imbalance? no
412. What Is The Best Way To Propose? Propose what? A business deal?
413. What Kind Of Movie Would You Star In? Don’t wanna.
414. If Fed Ex And UPS Were To Merge Would They Call It Fed UP? That is a very bad joke.
415. When Are You Moving? Dunno.
416. What's Your Favorite Phrase? “What the hey?”.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Schmetterling's Guide to Vaguely Edible Cooking

My roommate has been a huge nuisance lately, bothering me with such drivel as "how do I spell lettuce?" and "how do you marinate a chicken?". What is she doing, one might ask. Well apparently, defying all logic, she is writing an instruction manual on how to prepare meals for one of her friends, despite being barely able to cook an egg without converting a substantial amount of it to carbon in its most basic and unpalatable form (not that I am any different, but that is an entirely different matter altogether...)

This of course, got me thinking.

Why not publish a whole series of articles on undergraduate cooking? Why, I might even become famous!

Here, then, is the first installment.

Schmetterling's Guide to Vaguely Edible Cooking

Lazybones Chicken Legs

The ideal meat meal for the hopelessly lazy carnivore.

1. Get chicken legs out of the freezer and defrost in microwave. Never mind if they are slightly cooked in the process- they are meant to be cooked anyhow.

2. Marinate chicken legs using salt and pepper. Amount of salt and pepper used depends on how hard you shake and how protective you are of your kidneys.

3. Chuck marinated chicken legs into the grill turned to the maximum gas mark. Hey, the whole point is to get it done as quickly as possible, right? We're hungry students here!

4. Every random interval, open the grill and poke at chicken with a fork. If red stuff comes out, it ain't cooked yet. Continue random poking until stuff that comes out is clear/ until your fears of salmonella are quelled.

5. Remove chicken legs from oven and eat.



Next installment coming soon, on Schmetterling's Guide to Vaguely Edible Cooking: Mushy Macaroni.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

"金玉良言"

Quotes from my Lectures:


"There's really not much to choose between you and a mushroom." - a lecturer being cynical about the human race.

"...that fluffy bit there (points to distinctly un-fluffy blob on protein)..." - the same lecturer being slightly overenthusiastic.

"And my point is...(dramatic pause)... now I've forgotten..." - another lecturer.

"...and then he dies, which is fairly interesting." - the humanities lecturer on the subject of the only casualty in the construction of the Eiffel Tower.

"This is a Newtonian moment." Right. Not for me, though.

"It would fry you!" - a lecturer gleefully putting into perspective the huge membrane voltage gradient. Add a quaint accent and a rolled r.

"Here I am brainwashing you..." Finally, they admit it!

"And after I squeezed him... no no, not in that way!" It is amusing when your lecturer's first language is not English, and tends to use inappropriate words at inappropriate moments...


And... notes have never been so amusing...

"The specimen has to be dead. Really dead."

And there was a smiley face in my notes. A smiley face. I am not kidding you.

"The world will go neither a whimper nor a bang, just a simple short circuit." (N.B - a reference to nuclear silos being controlled by complex electrical switchboards.)

And finally, a poem on the machine gun in one of my humanities recommended reading things, which is really rather tragic:

"Onward Christian soldiers, on to heathen lands;
Prayer-books in your pockets, rifles in your hands;
Take the glorious tidings where trade can be done;
Spread the peaceful gospel-with a Maxim gun."

- Labouchere, in A Social History of the Machine Gun by J. Ellis

Monday, October 30, 2006

Silwood Park





This is terribly terribly overdue. But nevermind.

Recently, had field trip to one of the university's other campuses. What was really nice was that it was set in lovely lovely countryside (see picture for the Manor House, which is the main building), with acres of woodland, grassland, and what not.

What was slightly scary was that the entire place was used for ecological experiments, and that cages and traps and wire fences and random logs just kept popping up everywhere you so happened to wander.

Basically went around collecting data (think tramping about in the woods, wading in waist deep thorny bushes and stinging nettles, waving nets about in streams, etc) and enjoying the fresh air. Oh, and this is totally random but I caught two crayfish. And I saw a deer, dozens of rabbits and four pheasants.

As you can see, it was simply beautiful, so I don't think I can put it adequately in words. Suffice it to say that the ragged scars from thorns and nettle-stings were worth it.

I love the countryside.

For pictures of the wild woods, visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/greyschmetterling.

Will blog more when I feel more inspired.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

More Faintly Amusing Stuff

1. Lectures
Yes, lectures are actually quite fun in this place. Especially when your lecturer is a portly old gentlemen dripping with British humour and full of phrases such as "charismatic predators" and forever taking potshots at the Americans. And your other lecturer (humanities) pokes fun of just about everything and is also forever taking potshots at the Americans. Recent lectures aren't so fun though, mainly because they involve math. Ew. Not amusing, that.

2. A Horse Named Fen and Another Called Joker
The former is a little bay mare, a bit lazy in my opinion, and much given to flopping her lips about, which is quite amusing to watch, but not so amusing when you're actually on the horse. The latter is a skewbald, very well named. Enough said. Shall go nurse my sore rear end.

3. The Madness of Engineers
Have got one for a roommate. Interesting species to observe, I must say.
Engineerus civilus
Range: radius of 1m away from laptop and bed.
Feeding habits: Eats mostly crisps, tortillas, biscuits and other processed carbohydrates
Behaviour: Eccentric. Highly given to wearing bulky construction helmet indoors and singing at inappropriate times of the day. Almost impossible to awaken unless given the prospect of breakfast. Likes juggling random fruits.

4. Terry Pratchett
Very addicted to his books, and the school library keeps a good collection. Though it is fantasy, you'd be suprised how much of it echos the absurdity of modern life. My roommate is slightly disturbed at me sniggering at odd intervals from my corner when I'm reading. Payback, I say.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Life in London thus far




Life in London thus far is...

1) Quite pretty (refer to picture on the left). London is stuffed to bursting with pretty buildings; the one on the left is the entrance to the Natural History Musuem, which is just next to the school. I go there during lunch. Tee hee. However, not all buildings in London are pretty, duh. Some are absurd (like a mango-shaped building that my engineer room-mate is complaining about having to do a project on) and some look crumbly and old.

2) Faintly amusing. There are really odd things in London. Like "low sodium table salt", which I saw in a supermarket- really the ULTIMATE oxymoron. And of course there's my slightly mad roommate (aren't all engineers slightly mad anyway. I mean, who wants to build bridges, honestly.) And there's the picture on the far left, which I find quite funny.

3) Charming. Refer to picture on above right. That's Hyde Park on a really fine early autumn day. Nothing beats just sitting in the sun and looking up at the blue blue sky (sorry about the haze in SG).

4) Slightly scary. You hear police/ambulance sirens 3 times a day, on average. And this is a safe area. Did I mention that the traffic is frightening? Going to be knocked down by a car one of these days (am glad I have insurance). Also, the swans and ducks at Hyde Park are HUGE, and they have this disturbing habit of closing in on you when you've run out of bread....

Till next time.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

In London!

That's right, Schmetterling is in London.

And it's cold. Especially when the wind blows.

And the weather changes every ten minutes.

And Schmetterling is very sure she will develop very muscular legs with all the walking she's been doing these days. (It's a 15 minute walk from the hostel to the school, and about 20 min from the hostel to the supermarket...)

Well, till next time, because Schmetterling is quite sleepy now. Tata.